† Macie in Pageantland, Day 1

In January, if you were to give me a list of things I might potentially do in 2013, judging a beauty pageant would be way below sky diving or even starting a one-woman Alice in Chains cover band. (I'll start that band; I will.) Judging a drag queen race, sure. Those are my people. But teenage girls? In tulle? I went through the obligatory phase last year where I watched every episode of Toddlers & Tiaras with my mouth hanging open in horror. I knew what pageants were like.

Okay, no, I didn't really.

A few months ago I got an email from a Miss Teen USA representative, asking if I'd judge the Salt Lake City stop on their sweep around the states. Miss Teen is a derivative of the Trumpster's Miss Universe pageant, sort of like a training program for the big leagues. I laughed and told them I would do it, with a Miranda Priestly character in my mind, all withering stares under dark designer shades.

The event was split into two days: Friday for interviews with the contestants, Saturday for the stage. When Friday rolled around and it was time to meet the group at a downtown hotel, I had no idea what to expect. I teased my hair beauty-queen style, added spikes, and was on my way.
 

The first hour dragged on as they tried to get things organized, (their luggage was lost, etc etc) but once everything was in order the day flew by. I met the other judges, we were briefed, fed, divided into panels, assigned age groups, then sent off to interview our girls.
 

I forgot my baleful sunglasses.

When in Rome. (Take pictures in the bathroom.)

It's official 'cause there's a sign.

The first judges to arrive: intimidating beasts.

Girls signing their life away.

My girls! Lined up! Waiting to be interviewed!

I was assigned "Junior Preteen" and "Preteen" -- incidentally, the biggest group of girls -- with four other judges. We had 6 hours to interview 48 girls between 7 years old and 12 years old.

They. were. so. cute.

Sure, you could tell right away which girls were there because their mom wanted them to be, which girls were really excited about it, and which ones just had no idea how they'd ended up there. We asked about their pets, their families, what they want to be, and they told us about Taylor Swift, mostly. They were adorable and nervous and brimming with enthusiasm and for a moment made me want to give up my life of crime to start a preschool. We asked about their floofy fancy dresses, and I genuinely told them all, "I can't wait to see you on stage tomorrow!"

They only strike when you lower your guard.

The last chair they ever see.

Footnote on drag queens: not to keep talking about drag queens, but. Let's talk about drag queens some more. When did we start giving little girls drag queen names? Browsing our lists of names, we were like, "wow, drag queens would be lucky to land that moniker." I'm talking like, Lasassy Reeves. Mackenzee Grey. Liberty Vigil. Vaneela Cox.

I wish I could say I went home afterwards to get ready for the next day, but I actually went to work, graveyard shift, and tried not to fall asleep.

But my hair was really big.